117 I was filled with fear
Spiritual exercises of st. Ignatius:
meditations on The Standards:
A retreat master was giving a retreat.
At one point, a girl handed him this note.
"For the past eight months I have been in
psychotherapy, a fact known to only a few
people. “As a child I experienced over-
whelming fear because of hatred and
abuse.
"A major focus of my life right now is to
overcome and transform that fear.
The details are unnecessary, but much
of my fear is centered on my mother....
I had become so turned off to the concept
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of mothers that I consciously rejected
the love of Mary, the mother of Jesus.
“After your talk, I walked outside—feel-
ing terribly alone. I prayed for the grace
to break through the wall that was keep-
ing me from trusting. I wanted to cry, but
haven’t in months.
“You may have noticed a small, round
building near the cemetery. Curiosity is
one of my strongest traits—I walked to it
and opened the door. “When I looked
inside, I was filled with fear.
There stood a large statue of Mary. My
first impulse was to run away in anger.
But something drew me slowly to the
kneeler at her feet. Then, I fell to my
knees, weeping into the folds of her
robes.
“When it was over, I felt cleansed and
new. I felt willing to be a trusting child.
Even more important, I felt that a mother’s
love had touched me—leaving in me a
true desire to forgive my natural mother.’’
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Recall a time in my life when Mary played
an healig role in it .
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